Self talk is a key!

Driving alone from the city to meet some friends in rural Lancaster Ohio to go for a brief hike. I had GPS, great music, water, and snacks. I always love driving alone. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. All went well until it didn’t. As I drove deeper into the state park the GPS lost connection. The sunshine no longer shows through the tall trees and high hills. A message from my friends came through at some earlier point on the drive, that they were twenty minutes behind me. I didn’t want to drink water in case I had to use the bathroom and there’s no way I’m going in the woods!.

A black woman lost in the woods of one of Ohio’s beautiful metro parks. I’m not saying I felt frightened…but I definitely felt apprehensive. What kept me calm? Self talk, looking for evidence, and ushering in rational thought intentionally. I listed all the things that brought a sense of security. “I had a full gas tank.” “I saw a ranger’s station a ways back”.” If I just keep driving something will happen. This park can’t last forever.” “There’s a hiker” or “there’s a car driving past me”. “I’m not alone.” “I’m not really lost, I just do not know where I am.”

I could have chosen to turn around and follow my tracks out of town until the GPS resumed. I could have chosen to fantasize about the worst case scenario of a black woman alone in the woods of rural Ohio. Instead I recognized my negative thinking that contributed to anxiety and made the intentional decision to look for evidence against those thoughts. Consequently, instead of turning around, I found a parking lot at one of the hiking trail entrances, ate an apple, and used the outhouse (once I secured evidence that Michael Meyers wasn’t out there of course!), and then studied a diagram/map of the park.

Self-talk is one of the most effective tools for navigating difficult situations, for persevering through them, for managing thinking errors or thought distortions. Looking for evidence against our fear talk, and inviting rational thought. What we say to ourselves when things feel difficult, scary, embarrassing, awkward, frustrating etc.

What we say to ourselves matters. What we give ourselves permission to think about matters. It doesn’t mean talking yourself into a dangerous situation but it does mean talking ourselves through an uncomfortable situation. Assessing if it’s dangerous, realistically spelling out the possibilities in front of you. I could say “I’m lost” or I could say “I just do not know where I am.” These two different statements feel different to both the mind and the body.

Instead of talking to myself about how dangerous being lost in a metro park was for a black woman I focused my thoughts on what I believed were safety features. Mainly the car and seeing the occasional other hikers, especially women and older couples. They were the evidence I secured to keep myself going. Telling myself I had autonomy, agency, and could leave any time if I really wanted to, helped as well.

Realistic self-talk strong enough to counter negative thinking patterns leads to decision making and decision making often leads to progress one way or another. Reality based self talk prevents the feeling of being stuck that most people feel when thinking from a fear state.

I am not advising anyone to drive to a metro park alone but I am advising that everyone assess what you are telling yourself in any situation. In all situations. Especially the ones where anxiety or apprehension are present. Whether it’s the risk of a new relationship or navigating a challenge in a seasoned one. Whether it’s a novel adventure, a decision on a major life event like a home purchase or moving for a new job. It could simply be the interpretation of a look from a stranger or colleague or simply thoughts on today’s weather! Our thoughts matter! And will make the difference if we move forward in our lives (in small ways and large) or stay where we are. They make the decision on how we feel as we navigate all of life’s adventures.

In thirty years of clinical practice I’ve had clients who couldn’t leave their homes, walk in a park, drive on open roads, enjoy community events, travel, etc. I’ve had clients who have become. riddled with anxiety and/or depression…. due to negative self talk, distorted thinning, and simply believing in things they think without any evidence. We can talk ourselves into beliefs but we can also talk ourselves out of them!

Try journal writing the next time you feel stuck, or anxious, or apprehensive about an, event, interaction, relationship. Just write freely and see what you are telling yourself. Then challenge yourself to try reality based self talk. Looking for actual evidence against the thoughts you originally wrote. It may be that nothing will change and you will stay where you are, however, it’s also possible it will move you on to a new adventure, relationship, or feelings of forgiveness, empathy, or even freedom. Chances are it will move you somewhere. You never know.

I do not regret my hike in a metro park in rural Ohio with friends, sunshine, and laughter. I am glad I talked myself into not giving up!

“If human emotions largely result from thinking, then one may appreciably control one’s feelings by controlling one’s thoughts-or by changing the internalized sentences, or self talk, which one largely created the feeling in the first place.”-Alber Ellis (founder of Rational Emotive Therapy)