Beginning again…and again…and again
I did a thing. At 50 years old I became a yoga instructor. Not quite the oldest person in my class of 9 but almost. I sit here today beginning my journey as an instructor while faced with all the feels and insecurities as any person making a drastic change in their lives. It doesn’t matter that I am a therapist with thirty years of experience, or middle aged, or a professional, or a wife, or or a mother. I am beginning again and that takes courage. Courage of which can only be found and practiced while doing the scary thing!
I found my way to the yoga mat in my thirties after having my second son and realizing jumping up and down in a step aerobics class no longer felt good to my body or my mind. I practiced on and off in different places around town with the focus being on my physical health. Throughout the years, however, I noticed my mind getting quieter, anxieties dissipating, and my mood becoming more easily regulated. I found myself longing to go to classes just to find that quiet spot in my head free from inner dialogue if only for an hour.
The whisper of a thought came to me on and off throughout the years about teaching. As a therapist, I thought yoga would be a wonderful thing to add to my tool box for helping my clients. However, I didn’t have the time, the money, the childcare…..you name it. I came up with every barrier in the book to dismiss the thought. Then when the Pandemic hit in 2020 the thought was no longer a whisper. It came like a freight train that wouldn’t end.
I think it’s because I could not go to classes that I noticed how much both my mind and body missed the movements and the meditations. Also, I noticed that I’d lay on my mat at home and just watch other people doing yoga instead of actually participating in my virtual classes! My life had changed by 2020. I no longer had little kids, my worries about money shifted as I took the grace period on interest accruing on my student loans to pay them off (that’s another blog for another day!), I developed a different perspective on time. Most likely being middle aged helped with all of this!
I began to research teacher training in my town and around the country. I still felt time was a barrier as I could not allow myself to leave my family and my clients for two or more weeks to attend intensive training. I also found money to be a barrier as I did not feel comfortable taking thousands of dollars at one time to pay for training.
Then in 2024 the clouds parted and the perfect training showed up on my front door step. The yoga studio that I had attended on and off since 2018 developed a six week teacher training program that took place every other weekend. My first thought? “I’m too old now.” “My hair is all gray.” “I’m not flexible enough.” “What will I do if I become an instructor anyway?” Barriers, insecurities, worries, fears….they all showed up. I did it anyway!
I didn’t do it because there’s something special about me. I didn’t do it because I am confident, strong, or fearless. I didn’t do it because I had supports or supporters. I did it because I was afraid. I did it because I only have one life and why not live it? I did it because I didn’t need people to understand, relate, or join me. I did it even though I didn’t know (and still don’t know) what I would do once certified. I did it because I was courageous.
Courage means acting with fear, acting through fear, acting in spite of fear. It is the thing we are using when we are anxious and go forward anyway. In fact, I would argue that courage can not exist in the absence of fear. That courage is not something we have…but something we do. It’s a verb. We behave courageously when feeling anything but courageous. Brene Brown sums it up with her quote “Choose the great adventure of being brave and afraid at the same time.”
In my practice I hear time and again how frightened people are of the future and of change. Creating negative future predictions of instability, failure, embarrassment. They are right. Theunknown is quite terrifying. Especially if we are creating terrifying fantasies of the unknown! I recommend really imagining the worst and seeing if you can live with it. In pursuing yoga the worst I imagined was wasting hard earned money, losing time with my family, quitting half way through, failing at it, embarrassing myself, being judged unfavorably by others, and more.
However, when I asked myself if I could live with these scenarios if they actually happened…the answer was of course I can. This answer did not make the fears go away but at least I knew what I feared.
So let me encourage you today to begin again and again and again. Maybe there’s a curiosity about a new career, hobby, dating partner, or new home quietly whispering to you. Maybe there’s dreams of doing things alone like walks in the park, eating at restaurants, or going to the movies. Perhaps you wish to join a club, the gym, or make a new friend. I know you are afraid and I know your brain is making up all the reasons to stay safe and secure right where you are.
But honestly….whats the worst that can happen?
“ I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”-Nelson Mandela